The Toilet Exploded

Well okay that’s not strictly true but it definitely leaked and since I was the one to flush at the time it’s my fault. It was Sunday evening, tea was in the oven and I decided to go to the toilet. I flushed and water and some other stuff came squeezing out of the pipe at the back. I reached for the toilet roll and decided that the only place for that was in the bath out of the way.

I shouted that the toilet was leaking, B shouted back ‘What Mum’, or so I thought. I rushed downstairs, because I now can, and said ‘Did you just call me Mum?????????’, ‘No, I said how come’, not ‘Stand back fluffy female, I’ll deal with this!’ Okay he knows way better than to call me that. So I got some old towels from the garage and whizzed back upstairs and threw then on the wet river fortunately it wasn’t too bad then I rushed back downstairs for more towels, bleach and a bin bag and what was my darling husband doing – ringing an emergency plumber, suiting up to go in and unblock it himself – no, putting up his barm cakes for work.

So after establishing that it was indeed leaking and another flush wouldn’t clear it while being looked at in an accusatory way B having finished making his ‘lunch’ had come to watch the show. Realising this may delay his tea he pitched in. Then he suggested I may want to finish tea. So after changing the towels, bleaching the floor and the toilet, a lot of washing, a change of clothes and liberal use of hand sanitizer I went to put the pasta on while B had his shower.

Then things hit crisis point. B is very much a creature of routine. He also goes to the toilet more than anyone I know. So normally there is a toilet visit before his shower and then another one after his tea, before work! I know you really wanted to know this. So routine had already gone out of the window. What to do? Ring the neighbours and ask to use the loo that’s what. I jokingly said take a toilet roll. I watched him walk up the road swinging said toilet roll.

When he got back he only wanted half a bowl of pasta because he didn’t want to have to go to the toilet again before he went to work. Now I know what you are thinking it is physically impossible and defies the laws of physics that any food consumed under normal circumstances (we all know medication can cause all sorts of stops and starts) could get through the system in less than half an hour, I know, I know it’s crazy but somehow this is how B’s system works. It may be like a relay team thing but without scientific investigation we’ll never know. It’s like Ripley’s Believe It or Not.

The neighbours’ grandson had a look at it last night but apparently the blockage is too far to reach, we have an internal soil pipe so there is no access to the hatch for rodding. He replaced the gasket where it leaked and I am currently having a whale of a time putting Just One Shot drain cleaner down. We’re currently on our third shot. So I feel a strong letter coming on.